My Unpopular Opinion

EDITORIAL PIECE. This was used in the pilot for Public Radio International's "My So Called News" (a comedy news show)

KEVIN: A new study reports that 15% of the American workforce is drinking or hungover on the job. Some people might find this shocking - and to those critics, I say, "You've obviously never worked retail."

See, most jobs in America are so soul-crushing you need to be sauced just to show up in the first place.
Americans drink alcohol to cope with the fact that they're stuck in a dead-end job where some pinhead boss makes them wear a name-tag and act nice to people all day.

It's an un-natural state of affairs, which can be remedied by drinking.

Picture this: you have to clean septic tanks for 8 hours a day.

Now imagine you have to do it sober.

That is cruel and unusual punishment - and that's unconstitutional!

I was born into a long-line of working-class alcoholics. So I learned early on that if you're having a bad day, you can fix it by having a drink. And if you're having a good day, why not celebrate by having a drink?

Some of you office-workers relax by nibbling on chocolate. Or Valium. Or chocolate-covered-valium. But the part-time workers that unload trucks for a living don't have health insurance, so they can't afford a carefully balanced mix of Paxil, Xanax and Godiva.

Most Americans don't have unions, health care or decent pay to ease the pain of work. But they can have a six-pack of Miller Lite for a mere five dollars and eighty-five cents. (Coincidentally, $5.85 is about what many Americans earn in one hour.)

Now obviously, no one wants airline pilots or a neuro-surgeons to be drinking on the job. But I don't see the problem if the late-night dishwasher at Sizzler is brown-bagging a bottle of Zima.

Hey, if you have to spend 9-hours a day on an assembly line making sure that tiny plastic bottles are getting filled with hotel shampoo, then you've earned the right to a rum and coke on your 15-minute lunch hour.

But remember, if you're going to drink beer at work, please be responsible: Drink American beer.
That's my unpopular opinion. I'm Kevin Maher.